All In Good Fun
by Elite-Nachos
Summary: Snape and Hermione catch a student wandering after hours one night. The results are fairly humorous. Snape is really OOC :P Rated M because of swearing and reference of masturbation. One-shot.


**This was originally written for my other story, Apprentice, but I found that Snape was way too OOC in this, so I went and changed things up a bit, made the dialogue more funny, added a lot to it, and made it so Hermione and Snape are really close friends, because I like that idea, actually... I just imagine them as Jim and Pam from The Office in this... don't ask.**

Both wands were drawn, hers lighting the way, his ready to punish any student that crossed _their_ path. Not a sound escaped his pursed lips or her plump ones, not a sound was heard from the dark hallways of Hogwarts. Finally, he stopped dead in his tracks, as still as a deer in headlights. He held his hand up, signaling for her to stop as well.

"Do you hear that?" He nodded his head in the direction a noise was coming from, a noise that was rarely heard or made inside of Hogwarts. Hermione listened intently, as hard as her ears could hear. She heard a soft moaning, so soft it could just barely be heard. It was as though it was miles away, but she knew it had to be close by. Her first thought that someone was injured, but after hearing it again, she thought otherwise. It sound pleasure-filled, as if the person was enjoying themselves. As if... No! Whoever it was, they couldn't have been doing _it_. Could they?

When he saw her eyes widen, he knew she heard it.

"Should we just leave them? I mean... what are we supposed to do exactly?" Hermione peeked around the corner, just to make sure they weren't getting it on right in the hallway. Thank Merlin they weren't.

"Err... I have no idea actually. I've never caught two students having sex..." Snape trailed off as he looked around the corner also. They stood there for a few moments, before he took a small step forward. Then another. On after another, around the corner, until he got to the door he was certain the students were behind. Hermione padded after him. The moans got louder as they approached the door, and sent shivers down both of their spines. It was awkward for both of them, listening to some kids pleasure themselves. As Snape reached for the door handle, another shocking cry came without warning.

"Oh! P-Professor!"

He stopped short. There couldn't be a teacher behind that door with that girl? Right? They exchanged looks with each other.

"Sev... maybe we shouldn't. I mean, all the teachers besides me are really old, no offense. I don't really want to see them... you know..." She continued to stare at the door nervously.

"Right..." He tilted his head as another moan came. Something suddenly clicked in his head. "Hermione? There's only one voice coming from that room." He felt relieved, to say the least, that at least it wasn't a teacher in there with the girl, and it definitely showed. Hermione had the same look on her face, but it quickly turned to disgust.

"So they're fantasizing about a teacher?" She supposed it was a bit better, but what if they were thinking about _her_? Or Snape?

"Precisely." Apparently the same thought crossed through his head, though. A big smile spread across his face, the one that only came out when he was with Hermione, and his eyes got thin. He just looked at her.

"Are you ok?" She backed up a bit, thoroughly creeped out. He laughed as lous as he could possibly laugh without the student hearing him.

"Who do you think it is?" His smile turned wicked. Hermione chuckled a bit, too. Honestly, it was a pretty funny thought. It could have been anyone...

"Dylan." She quickly said, referring to the newest and youngest professor at Hogwarts, and also the crush of many students.

"Oh yeah? What about Longbottom?" Snape himself was disgusted by the thought.

"Oh come on. Neville's cute in his own little way but... what if it was Flitwick?" She snickered while she spoke.

"Or Hagrid..."

"Or Trelawny."

"Binns."

"You."

"Are you calling me unattractive?" He put a fake hurt face on.

"Of course not! You are the sexiest man I know." She said mockingly. She placed her hands on his shoulders, which earned her a scowl.

"Well... do you want to find out?" He got close to the door, where the girl could still be heard. Hermione nodded. Immediately he whispered his favorite word.

"Legilimens."

He saw many images. So many images. And they were all of _him_. Him. Naked as the day he was born, in various sexual positions, touching himself, touching her. Who was she anyway? He tried to focus on her face, but everything was blurry. Finally, a clear picture of her revealed it was none other than Alexandra Calder. She was a Ravenclaw, and a pretty one at that, and apparently had a crush on the infamous Potions professor.

He practically fell back into the wall behind him, completely dumbstruck.

"What the fuck?" He starred at the door in horror. Really, _what the fuck_?

"Who is it?" But Hermione already knew who it was. The look on his face said it all.

"_Me._"

"Hermione?" Her head snapped towards him. He had that devious smile on again. He had thought of _something_.

"Yeah?" He stood and went to his desk for some parchment, an inkwell, and a quill, and brought it back to his chair.

"I have a brilliant idea, and I need help." He leaned over the parchment and started scribbling some things, waving for her to come over. She stood next to his chair and waited patiently for him to finish. When he stopped, the parchment was shoved into her hands.

"Read it."

The plan was almost perfect. During Potions class with the Ravenclaws, and Hermione's free period, Hermione would call Alexandra out for a few moments to talk to her about something. Snape would walk over to her desk, pretending to watch after her potion, and slip the note into her book. Once Hermione was sure he got the note in, she would let Alexandra return to class. And step on would be complete.

"Don't forgot you're Potions book, Alex." Her friend Kaitlin reminded her from across the dormitory.

"Right, thanks Kate." Alex reached for her school book, but noticed a folded up piece of parchment under it, one that she didn't put there. She pushed the book aside and grabbed for the parchment. Carefully unfolding it, she immediately recognized the neat cursive written across it. It was that of her Potions Professor. There was one single line on the parchment that read,

_I know your secret._

When he saw the way she looked when she entered his class, he new she had read the note and suppressed a laugh. She awkwardly took a seat, desperately trying to avoid eye contact with him. He could tell that it would be a very fun class that day.

"Today you will be brewing a simple potion. Try not to screw it up." He flicked his wand at the board and the instructions immediately appeared written across it. Once everyone was settled with their ingredients, he stood and walked towards Alexandra, prepared for step two. Making sure no one wass looking, he came up from behind her and stood so close their thighs were rubbing together. She turned around quickly, so that her leg was in between his. Backing up was not an option for her, for there was a table in the way.

"Umm, y-yes professor?" She stuttered. Her eyes widened, her heart sped up.

"You forgot to add porcupine quills, Miss Calder." He stood there for another long moment, before turning away and returning to his desk.

"Miss Calder, you are chopping the limpwurt roots wrong." He whispered it as seductively into her ear as he could, which was fairly hard considering the sentence contained the word 'limpwurt' in it. She jumped, flipping her caldron in the process and spilling green goo all over the floor.

"Next time you should be more careful Miss Calder. Detention tonight at eight o' clock." He cleaned up the mess with the flick of his wand.

"S-sorry, Professor. May I be excused from class?" She just managed to make her words out.

He gave her a skeptical look, "Why Miss Calder? You seem perfectly fine."

"Err... I just remembered that P-Professor McGonagall wanted to see me during this class..." It was the best lie she could think of at the moment, and it was fairly hard to think with Snape standing right in front of you, staring you down.

"Very well, you are dismissed." He stepped out of her way and went back to his desk. Under normal circumstances, he would not have allowed a student to leave, but it was all part of the plan.

Alex packed up her things and ran out the door immediately heading for the nearest bathroom and locking herself in a stall.

At 7:50 Hermione and Snape stood waiting outside his classroom door.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." He turned to her, wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and black pants. Compared to his usually black robes – which were lying on the ground, looking as though they were tossed there, he felt naked.

"Are you kidding? I get to embarrass a student, why wouldn't I do this?" Hermione smirked and checked her watch, "she should be down here any minute..."

"You remember _exactly _what to do, right?" He wanted everything to go perfectly.

"Yeah Sev, I got it." They both heard footsteps from around the corner.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

He positioned himself in front of her, his hands on the wall on either side of her. They both smiled at each other for a slit second, obviously thinking the same thing. They were both going to enjoy it, perhaps more than the outcome, but that didn't matter. The footsteps got closer, louder. When they came around the corner, the two dove for each other. Fireworks exploded in their heads when their lips met. Of course it was all an act, but it didn't mean they couldn't enjoy it. Still, Hermione had to follow the exact plan, and so she pushed him back to the opposite wall. The footsteps didn't run away yet, just like they wanted. So they continued, planting sloppy kisses on each other's lips, feeling each other up as much as they could without really touching each other in the wrong places. She didn't run away. Finally, Hermione slid her hands up his sides, drawing his shirt up in the process and revealing his torso. She herself found it unbelievable that the Bat of the Dungeons could look so damn sexy. Of course she had seen him shirtless before, but she was never right up on him when he was.

They stopped immediately. And just laughed. They knew they had done it exactly as planned, exactly as Severus saw it in one of Alexandra's many fantasies.

"Do you think it worked?" Hermione drew off of him, somewhat reluctantly, and re-clasped her bra, trying to remember if _that_ was actually part of the plan. Frankly, she didn't care at the moment.

"You can go check; I have things to do..." He picked up all the robes off the ground and turned around the opposite corner as Alex went, heading to his quarters.

Hermione slowly crept through the murky hallways of the dungeon, stopping at every bathroom and pressing her ear to the door. It wasn't until she got to the very last bathroom that she heard moans from inside, and had to bite back laughter.

**I dunno, the plot bunnies sort of hit me when I started writing the rest of this, but then they ran away and I was all alone to figure out the ending part. And I failed at it. But anyways, hope you enjoyed :3 Please review and such.**


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